Guilt Recovery

OK....I have finally done it it. I have created a blog for those close to me to see. I have finally adopted the idea as a great way to share feelings with those I care about. I am not sure why I am doing this.

One thought that came to me was my Uncle Ray. He told me a long time ago that he wanted to document his life. He had this urge to share his life with me and others. He especially wanted us to hear what he had to say, after he was gone. This is sort of a weird thing but I have come to the conclusion that he really was an emotional person. I am convinced that I also have this character trait and probably got it from my mothers side of the family......like him.

Uncle Ray did have an interesting life and I will hope to write more (what I know) about it in the future. For now, suffice to say that maybe he had a great idea. Maybe I should be sharing more of my life with those I love through words and thoughts that I have. I would hope that these words would stick around for years to come whether I was here or not. That is perhaps one of the coolest things about blogging. The words and thoughts will stay with those that really care....forever.

Perhaps the second thing that really caused me to start this thing was my special experience attending Carie's 3rd grade classroom yesterday. It really is hard to put the whole experience into words. After walking through the doors to the school I was a bit overcome by this guilty feeling of "why have I not yet done this?".....and "Why has it taken me so long to bring myself to this place I have heard so much about?". I don't really have the answer to these questions. I suppose I have been a bit intimidated by the things I have heard from Carie and Jason. In a weird way, the details are a bit scary. The funny thing is that I felt completely at ease the moment I arrived at the door. I had the chance to attend a real meeting with teachers and administrators.... where discussion surrounding real people and real problems took place.

I am so used to meetings where the focus is money...all money, how much in? how much out? how much time? how much cost? The meetings I attend never discuss opportunities for people to experience simple things in life. The discussion never turns to "what can we do to make a difference in a persons life?"....and yet, that was the ONLY focus of this meeting! What an enlightening experience!

There was the initial shock of meeting the students...they were different than I imagined....really a loving bunch and you could see in their eyes that they just wanted to be loved, and paid attention to. As if I wasn't already feeling guilty enough, one student asked me if I brought cupcakes for them?

All afternoon I was meeting people and eventually they would comment on what an awesome teacher my daughter was. The interesting thing was.... they were not saying it to make me feel good or to be socialable (they didn't care about that). They really wanted to just tell me how awesome of a teacher Carie really is....because that is what they thought. Words cannot describe the level of pride I felt inside to watch Carie interact with the students and teach them a lesson about geography......where Wisconsin is, where Land O Lakes is, where her brother Tony lives, and why it is important to know that there is a world outside the ghetto of Milwaukee.

One thing my visit made me feel beside guilt, is one of anxiety. Now I want to go back. I want to help the boy who is stuck on his 4X's multiplications while others are on their 8X's. I want to help the little girl who thought Washington DC is the capital of Canada and another thought that the state of Wisconsin is a picture of George Bush. I want to talk with the young girl who had to be physically dragged from the room by an aid because she would no longer cooperate with the teacher. And more than anything, I want Carie to know that when she is cremated, her ashes should be spread around the rooms at the Academey of Learning and Leadership in Milwaukee, WI..... because what she is doing there, means more than anything the rest of us will ever know.